I Don’t Want Weird Sex

Dear Mom:

I watched Fifty Shades of Grey with my friend. She’s all cool with it like she’s done all that. But I’m kinda freaked out. I’ve never had sex with a guy and I don’t want to do any of the stuff they did. But now I’m worried what if that happens to me – not the rich thing, the weird thing. How do you know a guy’s not going to want you to do all that?

Vanilla Squared

Dear Vanilla:

Short Answer: You don’t.

Long Answer: It’s funny how much easier it is to have sex with someone than to talk to them about it. Even adults – especially women – who have been married for a long time have a hard time talking to their partners about what they like and don’t like in the bedroom.

I’d like to say, that if you can’t talk to a guy about your most private desires, fantasies, and limits, you shouldn’t be having sex with him. And while many say that ‘setting boundaries’ ahead of time kind of kills the mood, I say make it part of foreplay.

People have different experiences and preferences. As a rule, we tend to want or not want only what we know exists. For example, you don’t know whether or not you’d like pizza if you have no idea that pizza exists. You don’t miss it. You don’t crave it. It’s not there.

Once you know it’s there, however, you can consider whether you’d like to try it.

The problem with a book/movie like 50 Shades – and most porn – is that it puts ideas out there that most people wouldn’t normally run into. And that changes expectations. There is now a lot more for you to learn about, to decide about. Thankfully, most men aren’t watching the movie 😉

Educate yourself. Learn the proper names and slang terms for all the body parts, activities, and equipment involved in sex, so that you can have clear and intimate talks with your partner before the time comes. Make sure that he is someone you know and trust completely. Give the relationship time to grow. Make sure you’re as clear about what you want to try as you are about what you don’t.

And listen to his side. For the most part, if a guy is asking you how you feel about a threesome, he’s thought about it, and if you’re game, so’s he. Be clear and firm about your limitations. And don’t be surprised if those limitations change a little over time as you become more comfortable and intimate with your partner.

Assuming you’re absolutely sure that you are ready to have sex, and that you’re ready to have sex with a certain partner, begin the conversation, keep it going, and the two of you will figure it out together.

But if you ever find that you’re with a guy who even remotely places pressure on you to do something that you’re not sure about, never mind completely against, find your brake pedal – fast! Best piece of advice I could ever give you is that you are better with no one than with someone who doesn’t treat you right. Expect him to respect your boundaries. Always. And if he doesn’t, he’s not the one for you.

Hope that helps,

Love Mom.

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